Stay in your own lane...or not.

 Yesterday I was listening to a podcast, it's basically what I do all day.  The podcast I was listening to was one that I grew to love as a nuanced mormon and still listen to today.  When I first started listening I would cheer and clap at the things they were questioning and the guests they had on to chat about these hard things in mormonism.  Now I find myself yelling at the phone trying to make sense as to why these particular women stay and use apologetic thinking to justify the staying and the things the church does.  I may need to stop listening but I do find value in the voices of their listeners, who like me, are mostly it seems on their way out of the church altogether.  

So...yesterday's podcast was about healthy relationships.  I didn't find much value in the things the guest talked about because it all involved God and I'm still on the fence about them in particular.  For some reason the subject of tithing came up when she was talking about "staying in her own lane".  She basically said that she tried to focus on the things that were in her control and the things she felt were her business.  Solid advice for the most part.  The guest then went on to talk about the SEC ruling recently against the church and members finding out the church hid billions of dollars from the membership and the government.  She said that she needed to stay in her own lane regarding this finding.  That her paying tithing to the church was what God wanted her to do and what he asked of her and whatever the church did with that tithing money was on the leaders of the church and not her.  I do agree with this to an extent but I also know that if I spend my money at a store and find out that their political, social or spending habits are unethical and don't align with my morals and values I will no longer shop there.  Why should it be different for the church?  Shouldn't you be able to choose where your money goes based on where you spend it? 

I LOVE Hobby Lobby,  LOVE it.  I haven't shopped there in 5 years because I do not agree with their policies and donation record when it comes to LGBTQ people and women in general.  I won't add my money to the pile that they may donate to, in my opinion unworthy, political candidates or laws being passed, or policies that discriminate against women regarding birth control coverage for their employees.  Another thing I love is Chik-fil-a...yeah not eating there either...google it.  So I spend my money at places I feel are safe.  Now I'm sure my list of places I spend money don't always align with my beliefs and morals but when I find out about these differences and things I change my spending habits the best I can.  I'm not perfect at it and probably won't ever be but when something is glaringly obvious I adjust accordingly.  Same with the church.  You've read my previous posts and know (at least I assume LOL) that once I learned about the church's spending habits for BYU I stopped paying tithing.  

I feel like this IS my lane and I'm being a responsible human when I make changes accordingly.  

So stay in your lane but just know what your lane actually is.  

Why I'm an ally

 Since one of my children was about 3 years old I've slowly been having my heart changed.  This child asked me if I thought it would be weird if he married a boy.  We had been talking about mommy's and daddy's and getting married etc.  I stopped dead in my tracks and realized right there in that split second that I had a choice to make.  I had two options.  First I could go with the diatribe I had always been taught in the LDS church which is that being homosexual is a sin, it's something that can be "fixed" and that marriage is ONLY between men and women period end of story.  God will not accept you if you are gay and you are a sinner if you marry someone of the same sex.  Or second, I could show love and change my heart and my brain and give the kind and good answer which was "I don't think that's weird at all.  People can love whoever they want as long as they are a kind and good person and you love them it's completely fine" 

I went with the second option and let my 3yo baby know that whatever he did in the future would be fine with me.  He of course squealed in his 3yo voice and said "that would be sooo weird momma" but I assured him it would not be weird at all.  

That day I believe I planted a seed, a seed of safety.  He knew right then and there that I was safe and would love him no matter what.  I also planted a seed in myself, a seed of seeking out LGBTQ friends, looking for more ways to love them and also learning as much as I could about the community so I had knowledge and resources on my side when that same sweet 3yo grew up and brought home that first boyfriend and I would greet them with love.  

Little did I know that cute skinny 3yo would be preceded in his "coming out" by two of my older children!  Thank goodness he asked his question so early as it prepared me for my future as an LGBTQ momma and auntie.  

Fast forward to 2023 and here I sit in my rainbow cardigan with my converse on which have rainbow laces and type a blog post about being an LGBTQ mom.  See right now in the United States it's a little scary for some of our Transgender youth and adults to just be who they are and live their lives.  A few states have passed anti-trans laws making their mere existence illegal.  Thankfully I live in a state that supports and is safe for my kiddos.  

I have 3 trans youth in my life.  Three humans who are freaking amazing.  Three humans that get up every morning get dressed, go to work or school, scroll social media, watch movies and TV, eat meals and clean their rooms, drive cars, have jobs and career aspirations, own businesses, brush their teeth, use bathrooms...All.  Just.  Like.  Everyone.  Else!!!!!!!!!!!  They aren't trying to be exceptional (except they are) they aren't out knocking on doors trying to convert people to the "trans-side"  These trans humans are just living lives just like you and me.  

There are some transgender people who are out there representing for the community.  Some are actors, social media creators and influencers, writers, or they are in the media.  They are trying to educate people, they are out there so the trans people who are living their lives have representation.  There are as many ways to live as an LGBTQ person as there are LGBTQ people, just as there are as many ways to live as a CIS Hetero person as there are CIS Hetero people.  

Yesterday someone that I was friends with on Facebook posted a very transphobic article.  Frankly I was a little shocked.  I've known this person for decades.  We've never been super close but we ran in kind of the same circles when we were single and attending a singles ward in California in our early 20's.  She has always been kind to me, she has raised a good family and she has also been very kind to us in the past when we needed a little extra help.  Without me asking or even hinting about our financial needs she once purchased something from my business and send in payment that was double what she owed.  I've also gotten a huge package from her full of adorable things that she just "saw and thought of me".  This is the kind of person I knew.  So this anti-trans post kinda shocked me.  I tried to speak my mind about it and was shut down.  It was clear her mind could not be changed.  Did I do it the right way? Probably not, I could have privately messaged her but I chose to call it out right there on her FB post.  I was not mean I just maybe came across defensive.  I had to delete her from facebook.  Some would say "but she's a good person, you can't discount all the good she has done by one belief/post/opinion"  Here's the thing, YES I can. I don't have time in my life for people who don't give me peace.  You can disagree with my religions stand, disagree with my politics, my choice of clothing, my hairstyle, my homesteading ways...what you can't disagree with is the way someone was born.  There's literally NOTHING anyone can do about the way they or someone else was born.   I'll never understand those that say "I don't agree with being gay", ummm...ma'am...It's not something you can agree or disagree with it literally just IS.  It would be like disagreeing with the sky being blue.  "my opinion is the sky is yellow" doesn't make the sky yellow.  

Having an opinion or disagreeing with someone's sexuality or identity or orientation isn't a thing.  You can't have an opinion or disagree with something that can't be changed.  For years I disagreed with the size of my nose.  My opinion was that it was WAY too big.  Too freaking bad Syndy it's how you were born!  Now if I wanted to have surgery to change it no one would even bat an eye at that decision.  However if a trans person wants to have a nose job to look for feminine or masculine suddenly it's a federal case.  The logic doesn't track. 

Parents of LGBTQ kids, especially trans kids are trying our best.  We follow what doctors have researched and taught us, we believe our trans kids when they tell us they need to change, some of us are just doing everything we can to keep our trans youth alive long enough to make decisions down the road.  You can't make decisions if your dead and that's the reality of a lot of parents with trans youth, they are doing everything they can to keep them alive because they love them and want what's best for them.  Period. 

You shouldn't ignorantly post anti LGBTQ/Trans articles and things without first getting to know some LGBTQ/Trans people.  The quickest way to love someone is to get to know them.  So go volunteer at your local Pride event, join some facebook groups to hear stories from queer people and their allies, make a gay friend, donate some money to an organization who supports queer folx like Momma Dragons or PFLAG, follow some trans creators like Mercury Stardust or Dylan Mulvaney or Local Lezbian (there are hundreds of them!)  Speak out when you see injustice or homophobic messages on social media.  Let people know we won't stand for it anymore.  If I can grow up mormon and be indoctrinated for over 30 years hearing that gay people are evil and have my heart and mind changed then you can too!

MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!!!...VOTE to put people in office that will protect queer rights.  They came for women, they came for LGBTQ who will they come for next?

Rain

 Wealth.  It's a good thing right?  Everyone wants to be wealthy.  

The other day my husband asked me what I'd do with 100 billion dollars.  My honest answer? "I'd never have 100 billion dollars because I would give almost all of it away".  After the shock and horror wore off his face I explained I would keep enough for us to live comfortably, don't get me wrong, but after that I would donate it to those in need.  That would be a full time job in itself and I do realize that it would be harder than I think.  I would sure try though.  

Contrast that with what the LDS church does.  The humanitarian efforts they provide the service hours, the welfare system they have in place, while impressive, isn't a drop in the bucket of the over $150 billion they are worth.  Saving for a rainy day isn't even a thing.  They say they are saving for it but in reality what rainy day?  We had a worldwide pandemic and they didn't spend any extra on stopping that.  We have worldwide hunger and they don't do anything to stop that.  We have drought and climate change and their funds don't go to repair that.  We have child abuse and drug abuse running rampant in the world and they don't do anything to stop that.  So exactly WHAT rainy day are they prepping for?

The rain is pouring down NOW...they are just too high about it in their mansions to even see it.  

A big P word

 A few years ago I wrote a whole huge blog post on my personal blog about women in the priesthood.  It was 2014 and Ordain Women was in the news a lot (at least the LDS news) regarding giving women the priesthood.  I jumped on my soapbox and preached from on high about how important I thought it was for MEN to have the priesthood and not women.  Seriously, I don't even know that version of Syndy anymore.  

Today I'm here to make new statements and change my original opinion because frankly I'm now more educated and "woke"...yep I said it "woke".  Deal with it.  

April of this year, 2022, I went to my first feminist retreat. Not something I ever envisioned for myself.  When I was there I was still active in the church and processing a lot.  It was life changing and I'm planning on going again this next year, I'm even on the planning committee.  

Here's something you need to know about mormonism.  It's all male run.  Like completely.  People will tell you that women can lead as well and they would be kinda right.  Women are allowed to lead other women and children.  Once males turn 11 they are not allowed to be lead by women again.  They can be taught by women but women are never again their leaders.  Women leaders in the church are always overseen by men.  We cannot make decisions, give callings even distribute our own budgets for our organization without approval from a man.  We get our temple recommends from men, we are punished by men if we sin, we are asked to do callings by men, it's literally all men in charge.  

In my feminist organization it's all women.  ZERO men.  We went to a retreat in another state and we didn't have to have one single man there to do anything for us.  In the church women are not allowed to even be in the church buildings alone and we cannot do activities without a male being there to "make sure we are safe".  At the retreat we presided, we spoke, we sang and prayed.  We blessed, we loved and women collected all the money and distributed it accordingly...SHOCKER!  Women ran our worship service, we passed around m&m's instead of bread and water, we sang beautiful songs surrounded by nature, it was lovely.  It was the most spiritual experience I have ever had outside of childbirth. 

My daughters, if they had remained in the church, would never know true leadership.  Currently my oldest works for an insurance agent.  Her boss and owner of the company is a woman and all the employees in her office are women.  She is learning to lead in a healthy and normal way.  If she had stayed in the church she would be a leader out in the world and only allowed to be a follower in her church.  How messed up is that?  My husband works for a small paper company, think Dunder Mifflin of the Midwest, and it is owned by a woman.  My daughters are seeing very good role models out in the "world" on how to be a strong leader, but in the church they were always second.  

Now my husband has never been one to make me feel second.  We do things together and he's always supported my endeavors and I've supported his, but in the church he was over me.  Leaders would come to him first to see if I would take a calling.  His calling always came before mine and if I was in a leadership calling and they wanted him to have one too they would release me from mine to give him the opportunity to serve.  When I got married I understood that his word was the last word.  When he told me he wanted to move to Illinois and had applied for a job here in my mind I heard the words of my leaders "your husband has the last word".  Even naming our children he always joked that he could name them whatever he wanted because he got to give them names and blessings at church in sacrament meeting so his word was the last word.  He also knew if he ever wanted to sleep with me again he would not under any circumstances name any of our children Wolfgang...yeah it was one of his picks! LOL 

In the church there are no true women leaders.  That is sad.  Making that one change, letting the women have the priesthood and leadership opportunities would, in my opinion, help them retain members.  How many women are leaving and taking their families with them because they realize that they are never going to be equally represented?

 

Politics

 I hate politics.  Like really hate them.  For the last 40+ years I have basically ignored them.  Then the 2016 Elections hit and I realized I needed to stand up and take notice.  The 2020 elections here in the U.S. were brutal.  It even got heated on my facebook page where I literally had never posted anything political before.  

For me politics has always been something everyone else was into and knew about.  I just focused on my little corner of the world and let everyone else figure all that garbage out.  In 2020 there was a lot of tension between parties here and that really separated people, family, friends, neighbors.  I was frankly shocked at how many people that I knew and loved voted for Donald Trump.  People who I know to be good people, yet they vote for someone who is really a disgusting person.  I got so many comments about how his character didn't matter and what mattered was his views on the issues.  So many comments about how it didn't matter what he said/did it only mattered how he voted and "ran the country".  I didn't understand how so many TBM's could vote for someone who clearly stood for so many things that the church teaches against.

Now that I'm out of the church and have done extensive church history research I get it.  They are ok with voting for someone like Trump because they are ok with following men like Joseph Smith and Brigham Young.  Men who married and slept with under age girls.  Men who sent other men on missions so they could marry their wives.  Men who married adopted "daughters".  Men who kept secrets from their wives so they could go on to marry as many women as they liked.  Men who in spite of enforcing the Word of Wisdom for others drank and smoked.  Men who cared more about their reputations that what the law of the land stated.  Men who were racist, and this doesn't just stop with JS and BY, it continues TODAY!  So I get it.  If the person they are voting for does ONE thing that is good (or maybe a few things that are good) they overlook the rest.  Now I'm not saying that I am loving the president that we have now but I have not heard the disgusting things about him that I have heard about Trump.  Anything that I've heard has been fabricated and grossly misjudged.  

I can't wrap my mind around the fact that "God uses imperfect people for his work" and he couldn't find ANYONE better than Joseph Smith on the earth?  No one doing better things?  No one that had a clean rap sheet?  No one that was not an abuser, con-man, liar?  No one... 

Hmmmm...seems "sus" as my 8 year old would say. 

So if you're ok with following teaching of a man like JS, someone who is STILL quoted a lot today by church leaders I get why you don't care if a politician is an abuser, racist, misogynistic, predator because that's what Joseph Smith was. 

That does not make it right and you should really rethink your outlook on politics and religion and life.  Seriously.

 

I Hope They Don't Call Me On A Mission

 Being a TBM (true believing mormon) and having 4 kids AMAB (assigned male at birth) the pressure to make sure they all served missions was really strong. 

Males in the church are "under obligation" to serve a 2 year mission for the church when they turn 18.  They are required to go wherever the church sends them, anywhere in the world, and they are required to pay for the mission themselves.  It's very expensive and usually the parents of the missionary pay for the mission.  The last numbers I heard were around $425 a month for 2 years.  That's over $10,000 for each missionary.  This number does not include any clothes the missionary needs to bring with them ie; new suits, winter clothes for cold climate areas, appropriate things for personal days and even garments.  They also usually buy new scriptures which are really expensive and some need a passport and a visa to serve in foreign countries.  Each missionary is required now to bring a certain kind of cell phone with them as well which is another expense.  I've heard of missionaries calling or writing home asking for more money each month because they were low on groceries etc.  So the expense adds up really quickly.  

Now in the news the last few years the church has been spotlighted for it's excessive wealth.  They are estimated to be worth well over 100 billion dollars.  

well.  over.  100 BILLION.  dollars

Yet they still require their missionaries and their families to pay for missions.  This seems crazy to me as they could easily fund these missions themselves.  They do provide cars for missions that use cars but if you are a mission that still walks or rides bikes you are required to provide your own bike and replace your shoes when they are completely worn by so much walking.  My husband had to have his shoes resoled several times while he was on his mission and they were walking upwards of 14 miles a day.  

So here's my story about missions and missionaries.  I didn't serve a mission. I knew that my anxiety was too bad and I'd likely end up coming home early and I didn't want to put myself through that experience.  THANK GOODNESS I listened to my gut on that one and ignored my leaders and my dad!  I have always loved having the missionaries in my home and feeding them as a young married family was always so fun for me.  I have had countless sets of elders and sisters in our home and they are usually very sweet and bring a fun atmosphere with them.  

I've mentioned before that for a few years our family utilized our states food stamp program to get the groceries we needed.  It was hard and humiliating and I felt really guilty that we didn't have enough for our family.  I also felt very determined to "pay it forward" and use the food for us and as many people as we could help.  This included having the missionaries over for dinner about once a week for years!  During covid this kind of stopped and also when we moved to the farm I worked nights and we had sister missionaries in our ward so they could not come over when it was just my husband and the kids (it's rule).  Once I was able to quit my night job I was excited to start having the missionaries over again on a regular basis.  I found the missionary dinner calendar and put my name in a slot for a Tuesday evening.  I was so excited to have them over!  While I was adding my name to the calendar I noticed that another family in the ward had signed up for 2 days before I did.  I noticed this because they are the only other LDS family that lives in our tiny town and is about 40 minutes from the ward building.  The night before I was supposed to have the sisters over for dinner they called me and told me they could not come. They said they were out of miles on their vehicle for the month and couldn't drive out this far.  They asked me to bring the food in to the ward building and eat there.  

I was immediately upset.  I however told them I would not be bringing the food to the building and that I would just sign up for another time (knowing full well I would never sign up again).  Just as a passive aggressive side note I said "oh that's too bad I bet the (insert other families name) were sad you couldn't come out here to have dinner with them either.  To which they replied "we did come and have dinner with them because they are a bit closer than you"...we are 4 miles from the other family.  4.  MILES.  How can a church that makes so much money and REQUIRE that their missionaries pay for missions not have enough money to give their missionaries enough miles on their vehicles to visit and service all the people and members in their area?  I know that if I had been an investigator they would have figured out a way to extend those miles and come out.  I remained a church attendee for several more months and never signed up to feed them again.  

I understand that these kids are just doing what they are told and trying their best to follow really ridiculous and strict rules but I was so upset.  In the eyes of the church I didn't matter.  

Voice of Love

 After yesterday's blow up on FB regarding my drag queen post I've calmed down.  I went on FB this morning to see if anything else was said and by golly she deleted her comments (which in turn deleted all the replies) (don't worry I have screen shots) and she unfriended me and blocked me.  

She said "I just can't stand by and not be a voice of warning...I'm sorry you have chosen this direction"

Here's the deal...YES YOU CAN.  Members of the church have this idea that they MUST stand for truth and righteousness, but they literally don't have to.  They literally can keep their mouths shut and just be kind and loving and that will 100% do more good for the "work" than anything they can argue about.  They don't actually have the obligation they just have it in their heads that they do.  They told themselves that, they didn't hear it from anywhere but them.  So the obligation is fake.

You also don't have the right to come at someone and tell them their children are "an enemy to god' or that they are involved in "deviant" behavior or compare them to (paraphrasing here) murderers and abusers.  You don't have the right.  Now, if you want to go onto your own facebook page and spout all kinds of nonsense then by all means go for it.  However you cannot come to someone else's social media post and start spewing hate at their children.  You don't get a pass on that one.   This person has never even, that I know of, spoken to my children.  She had not spoken to me in over a year.  So you don't have the obligation or the right.

In Mr. Pachner's 11th grade history class we learned a lot about rights.  He said he has the right to swing his fist wherever he wants but the second it comes into contact with another person his rights stop and the other persons start.  We don't have the right to hurt people and that's just not physically, it's emotionally and mentally.  

Do I wanna hurt her?  YUP, I really want to email her directly and rip her a new one.  I want to find her son and let him know all the things she said about my kids.  I want to email the bishop and let him know what an amazing (insert eyeroll) person he has teaching children and to be sure to watch for traumatized youth in the near future.  Heck it would be a dream come true to go to her house and punch her in the face.  BUT...I'm not going to do any of those things because I don't have the right and also I'm not gonna stoop.  She is also going on her own journey and it's going to be a lot harder than mine.  

There was a time when I had a friend that was speaking out against the church and I couldn't handle it.  I didn't like the truth that she was saying on her own facebook page and I simply unfriended her.  We had a good friendship and had done lots of things together, but because of her journey I couldn't walk with her because I was scared.  After I left I emailed her and apologized and have refriended her on social media and we chat quite often now.  She's a good person and she is very helpful when it comes to me ranting about my struggles.  I love her so much.  I needed to step away for my own mental health and now I came back because I understand that she needed someone then too and I bowed out and that was terrible.  

So I guess the message I'm trying to get out there, and this wasn't the message I started with when I sat down to type this post it's evolving as I go, is we need to walk with people where they are.  If you believe in Christ and his ministry he walked with people where they were.  If walking with someone in their struggles is too much for you then it's ok to quietly and kindly step away.  No need to "be the voice of warning" be the voice of love.  The voice of love always wins and it is what we need more of. 

Drag Momma

 So another thing that's commonly said in the church is "Where will you go?  What will you do?' if you leave the church. 

Apparently I will go to Drag Shows!  

This weekend we were invited by some friends to attend a drag show in a city nearby.  I've been so excited about this for months.  We were planning on going to a drag show several years ago and the day before the show the entire family got salmonella and I was sick for weeks.  Being the true believing mormon that I was I took it as a sign from god that I should not attend drag shows, yeah I was THAT girl.  

Fast forward a few years and I'm geared up to attend this drag queen brunch at a distillery nonetheless, oh the humanity!  

IT WAS FABULOUS!  Words cannot describe how I felt, but this is a blog so I will attempt to put it into words. LOL

The Queen hosting the event was named Sharon and she has been doing drag for close to 28 years in the community.  She expressed gratitude for everyone there and their support.  Sharon spoke about how when she first started so long ago that she was afraid for her life when she would go to and from shows.  She knew there were members of the community that would hurt her for just being her and doing what she loved.  She got emotional sharing this part and so did I.  I was surprised the emotions that this event brought to the surface for me.  Not feelings of awkwardness or fear or judgment but feelings of love and support and pride.  I am proud of my LGBTQ kids and family and friends for being who god made them to be (if you believe in god).  

I am somewhat blessed/lucky/privileged to be surrounded mostly by people in my everyday life who are more liberal thinking and accept me all my quirks and ideas.  When I wrote my facebook post about leaving the church I got support.  A few people nudging me toward coming back/conference talks etc, but mostly support and WHOLE LOT of people messaging me telling me they have left or are in the process of leaving too.  More than I ever thought and people who I never would have pegged for leaving.  Some would probably have said the same for me.  So I know that I am fortunate to have found support when a lot of  leavers lose their families and friends and communities.  I am so sorry for those people and want to help in any way I can.

I posted about my drag queen brunch on FB.  It was a post about love and inclusion and just having all the feels about supporting people in who they are who they want to be.  A day goes by and nothing but positive comments, two days all the love, day three and I get a troll.  Not like a rando internet troll, like someone I know and would have considered a friend.  Ouch, that one stung.  Not because I'm sad to lose a friend, because after today they will be unfriended, it stung because I try really hard to keep people close to me who are good and loving people and I was kind of surprised by this person's comment given she has a queer son.  

I was out doing farm chores when this comment came through and the rage that came through my body was unlike anything I've felt in a while.  It was rage akin to rage I feel when my mother in law fucks with me and my kids.  So actually it's rage I feel when anyone messes with my kiddos. My poor milk goat  was probably like "what's the deal?  She's shaking and ranting!"  haha.  I was able to finish my chores all the while replying in several comments to her diatribe.  

In her comment she expressed that this type of thing should not be celebrated (meaning drag and LGBTQ), she said they are "confused or deceived and that they are the natural man and an enemy to god.  She continued to preach about Jesus and the gospel  and claim to be a "sister in the gospel" She also said she has a gay son that she loves very much. 

pause for dramatic rage effect

 I came at her with the fact that she literally NEVER posts on my page, never makes comments NEVER even likes a post, but today she decided to come at THIS post?  WTF.  I told her I felt sorry for her son and that no sister of mine would ever say these types of things about my children.   I told  her not to feel sorry for me or to misunderstand that I find difficulty in my kids lives because I don't.  

It took like an hour to comment all the thoughts I had I made 4-5 additional comments when I thought of them.  

This person was the Stake Relief Society President for years and I worked with her several times and I was her mistering sister for a stent too.  She now teaches primary which scares the crap out of me based on her comment.  Thankfully my kids won't be subject to her or her hate speech.  

I'm not staying quiet.  I'm not sitting there and letting these people make these claims based on a religion that was made up by a con man.  Follow who you want and do what you want but you come on my facebook page of love and support and spew hate and you're gonna get the horns.

I've named this blog The OG Molly Mormann for a reason and today this person got the full Molly Mormann effect in all it's glory. 

Man I miss that stubborn, rude opinionated loving lady! 

Hollow Substitute

 Well...I'm over here minding my own business.  I don't post much about the church on my preferred form of social media, Facebook, and I don't come at my true believing friends with the facts that I have found out about the church unless they ask.  I don't post "anti" stuff on my page and I don't send unsolicited random texts or instant messages to anyone with CES letters attached or other articles/tv shows etc that prove the church false.  I do post things about treating LGBTQ people with dignity and respect and basically treating them like the HUMANS that they are.  I'm completely 100% an ally and behind them every step of the way no matter where their journey takes them and I'm vocal about that.  

So why do people seem to think it's ok to send me church stuff?  Is it the idea that we are taught in the church to always be missionaries?  Is it the idea that we are lost and need them to come find us like the ONE that strayed away from the 100?  Oh, I know why...it's because they can't fathom the possibility that we are happy outside the church.  

Today I was sent an article from Russel Nelson the current prophet of the LDS church.  I think the article is from the last conference, I'm unsure because it's not coming up with a date on my LDS app, and yes I still have the apps on my phone.  It's entitled Overcome the World and Find Rest.  Overcome the world.  hmmm.  So me becoming more empathetic and loving to those around me including my LGBTQ brothers and sisters isn't what God wants?  Me living a life I can be proud of isn't what God wants?  Loving my family and children more than anything in the world isn't what God wants?  Learning the difference between following God and following a false church isn't what God wants? Striving each day to make my sphere of influence just a little better isn't what God wants?

Oh, I know he wants me to love LGBTQ people but not be ok with them finding romantic love, or get married or have full access to all the churches temples and callings.  He wants me to love my family but only if they are following the church and all it's rules too.  He wants me to learn about him but only in the way the church teaches is appropriate and never through my own understanding or experiences in feeling Him in other places.  He wants me to only influence those around me in ways that magnify his CHURCH...got it.  

Hollow substitute is a phrase used in this particular talk by Mr. Nelson to describe the happiness that those who leave the church are experiencing.  This is a tactic used by leaders in the church to rationalize why the leavers leave, to scare members into staying.  You can't be REALLY happy outside the church.  You just THINK you're happy, but you're not.  

ummm, excuse me sir, I think individuals get to decide if they are truly happy and what that looks like and feels like to them.  Was I happy in the church, yep.  Until I wasn't.  Certainty works until it doesn't.  It got me to where I am today and now it's time for me to move away and find happiness on my own.  It will look different for everyone.  However in the church happiness looks the same for everyone.  Cis/Het couples married in the temple.  As many kids as you can possibly fit in a family.  Mom stays at home and dad works.  Everyone goes on missions, gets their eagle scout, attends the temple, pays tithing, works countless hours volunteering for dozens of callings.  For me happiness looks like this: being out in nature, creating a business to help support my family, large family dinners, serving in my community, helping people monetarily as much as I can, supporting the LGBTQ community, working on our home, raising goats, learning new skills, mowing the lawn.  Ok that last one was silly but it brings me so much joy!  

So hollow substitute?  Excuse me while I strongly disagree.  I have lots of non-member friends and they are so amazing and they are happy!  

So hollow substitute?  I don't think so.  What is hollow is the promises made over these pulpits that bring shame and heartbreak to lots of people every day.  

Connection

 For the last year I've been attending a Connections meeting.  Basically to break it down it's a meeting with local people who are just wanting to connect with other adults, talk about religion, family, whatever is going on with us.  It's hosted by my friend who is a Mennonite.  Over the last year there has been a few women attend but the majority of the time it's just my friend and I chatting and catching up and talking about seriously deep things.  When it started back up again in October after a few month break for the summer she started structuring it more and asking a main question and we discuss and answer the question for ourselves.  One week it was "how is your soul?" once it was "does everything happen for a reason?"  This week it was "what would church look like for me if I was in charge?"

My friend knows about my faith transition, she knows the journey I've been on and she is so supportive and not once has asked me to attend her church or suggested I find another church family.  She listens, tells me her experiences and we drink tea and have a nice snack.  I know she doesn't have to do these meetings especially since I'm the only one attending but I truly think we both get a lot out of them.  I consider her a dear friend now.  

So on to the question..What would church look like if I was in charge?  For me this was a pretty easy answer.  Teach love, teach Jesus and use all the donated money to actually help people without judgement.  Accept ALL, don't judge and be open to questions about faith and history and social issues.  

pipe dream I know.

One thing she did ask me while we were chatting last night was how come sometimes I use the pronoun "we" when talking about Mormonism and sometimes I use "they".  I noticed this as well when I was speaking and honestly can't stop myself.  Mormonism was in my life for 42 years and it continues to be in my life.  It's the way I think, it was my friend groups, it was the extracurricular activities my kids and I attended.  I chatted with chris about this last night and I don't think I'll ever consider myself not a mormon...although I should never say never. We figured that about 95% of my daily interactions was with only LDS people.  I only watched things on TV that would be considered appropriate for an LDS person to watch no TV Mature and definitely no rated R movies.  I wore what would cover up my garments (LDS underwear) NO EXCEPTIONS.  I ate and drank what they considered appropriate, no coffee, tea, alcohol, smoking, drugs etc.  I attended church every Sunday and until a couple years ago that was a minimum 3 hour commitment every Sunday, and once we moved to the farm it was longer because my drive to the ward building was 40 minutes one way. My kids attended 2 hours of youth activities each week and for several years I was in charge of those activities so I was there too.  I planned monthly relief society meetings and worked for HOURS every month getting those ready so the sisters could enjoy a nice night every time.  I participated in baby sitting co-ops with other members and dedicated hours a month to those. When we had friends over for dinner or holidays it was almost always other families from our ward.  We hosted Easter and Thanksgiving parties with 99% of the attendees LDS.  I played volleyball at the ward building for a few years every week.  I attended the temple when I could.  We vacationed in Nauvoo Illinois A LOT.  We prayed before every meal and every night as a family.  

So when it comes to the "we..they"...I can't differentiate a lot of my life from the church.  I'm hoping that gets better over time.  

Another thing about the Connections meeting is every time I tell my friend of an LDS belief there is utter shock on her face.  God is a MAN who is white and old...utter shock.  Joseph Smith saw him in a vision...utter shock.  The Prophet makes all the decisions...utter shock.  There are 15 men in line for prophet and no women EVER...utter shock.  The Book of Mormon claims to be the history of the Native Americans...UTTER SHOCK.  Women cannot be ordained...utter shock.  I could go on.  

The thing is when I saw all this out loud to her I'm completely embarrassed.  Embarrassed that I believed this for so long, embarrassed that this is what the church actually believes.  

One thing though is I'm not embarrassed that I am getting out.  I'm not embarrassed that I have broken the cycle and that my family will not be subject to such harmful rhetoric.  

We broke the cycle.  

Age of accountability

 I understand that for anyone not in the mormon faith I'm spouting off a lot of lingo that maybe not everyone understands and I'm sorry for that.  Maybe a lot of Googling is in your future, maybe I'll try and be more explanative in my writing.

In the faith it is expected that we have our children baptized at 8 years old.  It's referred to as the age of accountability.  So before 8 you've committed so many sins accidentally that you need to have them washed away via baptism and after 8 you're basically able to sin all the time knowingly.  Makes perfect sense...insert eyeroll again...

We also say a lot that our 8 year old children are CHOOSING to be baptized.  Ummm...no...just no!  My kids did not choose to be baptized.  There was so much pressure on me as a parent to have my kids baptized you can sure as heck count on the fact that I transferred that pressure to my 8 year old kids.  As soon as January 1st comes the year you are turning 8 the hype starts in our childrens organization, Primary.  There are parties (Great to be 8!!), lessons on Sundays, songs sung in primary, and don't forget the constant talk about it at home, all, year, long.  We buy special outfits for baptism day, maybe they get a new special towel to use when they leave the baptismal font, there are family gatherings and food and often times gifts.  No pressure (insert sarcasm) All your family is there and so excited about this big day it's no wonder kids "choose" to be baptized.  My older children have expressed to me that they didn't want to get baptized at 8 but they felt that even though I was calling it a choice they felt it really wasn't and to not be baptized they would be letting us down or even get into trouble.  I can honestly say that I don't know what I would have done if one of my kids had expressed that they didn't want to commit to the church at that age, odds are I would have doubled down on the indoctrination and maybe even forced them to be baptized.  As much as I don't like to admit that I was also indoctrinated  and thought I was doing the right thing.  

Not until my now 11 year old was turning 8 did I even take a pause and consider this whole thing to be ludicrous.  How can an 8 year old child be expected to make such a big and eternal commitment?  Sadly my pause still didn't stop me from having him baptized just before his 9th birthday.  Something I still regret. 

Now my youngest is turning 8 tomorrow and he will not be subjected to this ritual.  If he decides when he is older to join any religion it will be his own choice as a consenting adult with a full functioning brain!  

The church also teaches that those that are baptized and have made covenants with God are under greater responsibility to keep those covenants.  So 8 year olds are under more scrutiny from God because of their commitment to Him.  8 YEAR OLDS.  LDS doctrine also teaches that each male is required to serve a 2 year mission for the church when they are 18.  A mission that they pay for themselves and is very expensive.  They recently came out and said that you are required to serve (males only are required to serve) because you made the commitment when you were baptized, WHEN YOU WERE 8!!!!!!!!  I can't even commit to what I'm having for lunch today let alone commit to something 10 years into the future.  

As I'm typing this I'm cringing at the audacity of the mormon church to put that much pressure on families and tiny children.  

In order to join the church you literally just have to be 8, that is all.  In order to get out of the church you have to fill out forms and have them notarized and submit in writing and wait weeks for a response.  Seems totally fair.  Easy in hard to get out.  Sound like any other organization you've heard of Nexium, Jonestown, Branch Davidians, FLDS, Manson Family, Heavens Gate See where I'm going with this? Insert wide eye emoji and holy shit emoji! 

I really shouldn't fret about it too much since I honestly think the whole thing is made up and not true anyway.  Just now if we want to get out completely it's going to take some  money and a lot of time and research on my part.  Mormonism had it's hold on me for 42 years and I have a feeling it's going to take a lot more than a few months to shake it off.  

lay clergy

 I know I've stated before that the whole journey for me started off with tithing and the way it's spent and the fact that I need to pay to essentially get into the temple which essentially gets me into the highest degree of mormon heaven.  Seriously I don't understand how it took me years and literally decades to make that connection...actually I totally understand...it's because we are taught the lie that our tithing money goes to helping the needy and building temples and ward buildings.  We are also taught that our clergy doesn't get paid.  At all.  Like I was taught that even the prophet doesn't get paid.  For 42 years I thought the prophet and the general authorities were not paid.  

It was a lie.

I recently learned that they do get paid.  They get paid a hefty sum of over $140,000 a year.  

Now to some nowadays that may not seem like a lot of money.  Their incomes in their regular jobs would likely be well above that amount.  Their apostleship requires them to spend a lot of time and energy putting legit work ours into running a world wide church.  So I get giving them a living stipend.  I get they need a few bucks to live off of.  

However...

They are all retired men who have had illustrious careers in other fields.  Now I'm totally speculating at this point but I assume they followed the teachings of the church when it comes to finances, avoid debt, live within your means, save for a rainy day/retirement.  I assume they most likely have retirement funds that they saved in their real lives for this time in their lives.  I get that dedicating your life to church service is a hard thing and to expect them to do it without monetary compensation would be crazy.  What I don't get is why tell us they don't get paid when they do...it's the lie that bit me in the butt.  It's the fact that while they were getting paid WAY over the average household income in America we were struggling to make ends meet, like a lot of other families, and couldn't afford food.  What gets me is that they are also not responsible for their housing, their transportation and a lot of other expenses that normal people have.  So that $100,000 + gets put in the bank and builds wealth that isn't necessary.  I was required to pay tithing that went to pay them to get richer...tell me it's not a cult.  

Leaders on local levels do not get paid bishops, stake presidents and their presidencies spend their own time and sometimes money volunteering their service to the church.  Sometimes this is a huge time commitment.  When Chris and I were first married we lived in a small branch and Chris was called to be in the elders quorum presidency and he was the ward mission leader.  Every night of the week except one was spent  working for the church for free.  He spent countless hours away from home serving others, attending meetings and working with the missionaries.  We had 3 little kids at home at the time and I worked part time so we rarely saw each other during this time.  It was terrible.  Once we moved to the Midwest Chris was called to the stake high council.  He was required to attend meetings 45 minutes away from our home, travel long distances on Sundays to speak at different ward sacrament meetings.  We were sooooo poor!  We couldn't afford for me to leave the house very often because gas was so expensive so I spent most of my time at home.  We didn't go out, we rarely had a date night all because we needed to save our money for the times he traveled.  Some nights when he had meetings he wouldn't get home until almost midnight and then have to work the next morning.  NO ONE took into consideration the time these men were spending and the toll it took on their families.  I was actually told by a member of our stake presidency in California that it was my job to give my husband a kiss and happily send him out to do his calling and keep things happy at home.  

It was bullshit.

I was working, Chris was working full time and yet we were both expected to give so much extra, we will never get that time with our kids back.  For a church that stresses FAMILY first they are sure eager to take you away from your family for their gain. They are sure eager to remind you that if you don't do exactly what they say all the time you'll be separated from your family for eternity.

So lay clergy only applies locally.  It doesn't apply to the guys at the "top".  They get everything they need while the rest of us struggle. 

It's the Mothers

 When I think about me leaving the church I think a lot about the number of people I'm taking with me.  So far it's 8.  That's 8 less people paying tithing, 8 less people fulfilling callings etc.  I know in the grand scheme of the size of the church 8 people isn't a big deal.  When you think of it in a ward setting in the Midwest where the ward numbers aren't that large 8 is kind of a big deal.  I took 5 priesthood/potential priesthood holders with me and 3 women...who lets face it unless they have a baseball team worth of kids they don't count for much in the church.  Dig a little deeper and you realize that with just my 6 kids alone the potential for future church generations is kinda huge.  I took potentially dozens or even hundreds of people out of the church.  

Thank goodness!

The buck stops here.

I'm an admin on an LDS LGBTQ facebook group and the majority of our members are women.  Mothers who have LGBTQ children who are trying to navigate their families reality with their membership in the church.

I think the moms are going to be what takes the church down eventually.  The moms with queer children, the moms with neurodiverse kids, the moms whose children leave the church and they love them anyway, the moms who are tired of perpetuating a patriarchal system that hurts their daughters.

The moms are going to take the church down.  And by down I don't mean "burn it to the ground" I mean who are going to leave quietly because they just can't anymore until eventually something changes or they have drastic drops in membership.

The buck stops here for us.  I'm taking them all with me!

I'd love to see the statistics of how many members the women take with them when they leave.