Now that I've stepped away from the church I have let myself enter into the "ExMo" world on social media, podcasts, tv and anything else I can get my hands on. I say "let myself" because everyone in the mormon world knows that consuming any kind of media that is the slightest bit contrary to the church results in immediate testimony loss and apostacy...insert eye roll...I figured since mine was already gone I may as well dive in head first.
Most people in this community, and there is a community surprisingly, call what they are going through a "faith crisis". You can call what you are going through whatever you want. For me though faith crisis doesn't feel right. I like to call what I am experiencing a "faith JOURNEY". I feel like it's something I've been on for years without really knowing it. It started when I was baptized and had to wear a jumpsuit instead of the usual baptism dress since all the dresses were being worn by the other 5-6 girls getting baptized at the same time. We lived in a large ward and stake in Southern California so the LDS population was pretty large. Every person I saw that day or who saw my pictures from that day comment on me wearing a jumpsuit and not a dress. Like it matters to Jesus. Like a girl wearing a jumpsuit was scandalous. That was probably the first thing that struck me as "hmmm". Many things struck me funny over the years but I always swept it away and justified, justified, justified. So my journey has been long, longer that I really wanted to admit for a long time.
Once things really became evident that I needed to make a drastic change I didn't have the big crashing moment like a lot of exmembers do. I don't feel in crisis. When I was 25 and had a tumor blocking my intestines and I almost died that was a crisis. When I was 27 and my mom was diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension and we didn't know the prognosis that was a crisis. When I was pregnant with my 6th baby and my husband became deathly ill THAT was a crisis. This faith shift doesn't seem at all like a crisis. It seems like a natural progression of learning and growing.
Maybe this is a product of my neurodiverse brain. Several of my kids, ok maybe all of them, have some sort of ADHD, Autism, Sensory Disorders and they get it from their mom. Maybe it's because I haven't lost my family over this process. Maybe it's because it's not something to actually go into CRISIS over! There are so many other things in this world that are ACTUAL crisis' that I don't find that me deciding to stop attending church as a huge deal in the grand scheme of the whole freaking world.
So call it what you want but I feel that journey is a more positive word than crisis and my brain really likes the calmness of the word journey. It's like I'm heading to a new destination and even though sometimes it's a bit unnerving and maybe even a little scary I know that I can navigate it just fine for myself.
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