Tithing and it's many lies

 I mentioned in my tithing post that most people who read this or who are still true believing Mormons probably think "she probably never had a True testimony".  That's what we are taught as members of the LDS church that anyone who questions or leaves the church either never had a testimony, was offended by someone at church or we just want to sin.  That's what I thought when someone left the church.  It literally never occurred to me that they may have left because they found out it wasn't true.  I was that mormon apologist, making excuses for all the flaws in the doctrine, history and culture...they didn't mean it the way you're taking it, you read it wrong, you took it out of context, that's just how it was back then...etc.  

I wanted it to be true soooo badly.  

I loved my true believing self and the comfort and surety it brought to my life.  So much easier than this not knowing and trying to think and figure it out for myself.  I still want Heaven to be a place, I still want to be with my family when I die, I still want God to be a thing (although God definitely looks different in my mind now) I want my marriage to be eternal.  

I did all the mormon things baptized at 8, young womanhood recognition, early morning seminary, girls camp, stake dances, singles ward, Relief Society President, institute class, temple attendance, temple marriage, LOTS of kiddos, young women's president, many relief society callings and activities committee, fasting, praying, scripture reading, word of wisdom obedience, no sex before marriage, take my kids to church, blessings of babies, kids baptized, visiting teaching, support hubby in his high demand callings, sustain leaders, trust the prophet...ALL THE THINGS! I was so in.

I wanted it to be true soooo badly.

Then came the shelf break: tithing as a payment to get into the temple. LGBTQ discrimination, CES letters, truth about the prophet Joseph Smith, reading church history, abuse scandal, gospel topics essays, polygamy, patriarchy, all the secrecy and deceit when it comes to our past and where our traditions come from, against the ERA.

It happened quickly.  It happened unexpectedly.  It happened completely.  

I wanted it to be true soooo badly.