Tired

 When I started out on this faith journey I had resolved that I would not leave the church.  I was determined to be the voice for the marginalized inside the institution.  I had a long conversation with a dear friend about our children that are LGBTQ and we both basically stated that this would not erode our testimonies.  

I went to church, I spoke up on social media, I made comments in class and taught lessons and tried so hard to be the voice on the inside.  For.  Years.

I even went so far as to several months ago approach my bishop and stake president about forming some kind of LGBTQ group.  Maybe a support group, maybe a friendship group, something ANYTHING to help these families navigate their reality and the church.  I told the bishop I knew of 7 families including mine that had LGBTQ family members in our ward alone and that didn't count the families that I knew about in the stake.  He only knew of 3.  Don't worry I didn't out anyone.  This just goes to show the leaders don't always have the most up to date info and it maybe shows that the leaders don't come across as a safe person to discuss these matters with. Literally all I wanted was for an announcement to be made at church about a group where families with LGBTQ members could literally just get together and have friendship over a freaking casserole.  Nothing fancy, nothing super "official", nothing forced on anyone.  I got an email back from my stake president and the bishop and the bishop even came to our home to discuss what my vision was for this group.  That was months ago.  Since then there's been crickets.  Nothing from anyone in authority to do anything like this.  NOTHING.  No emails, no communication at all.  When I get what the young people call "ghosted" I don't always go into squeaky wheel mode.  Sometimes I take it as a sign that they don't give a fuck.  So I walk away with my middle fingers held up proudly.  

Even my email to the bishop telling him that I was leaving the church didn't spark a question about starting a group.  It was basically ok bye.  

Those that are in it to speak up are tired.  At least I was.  I spoke up in word and deed and even dress.  It didn't matter.  It's been said the the church as an organization is about 50 years behind any social change.  I don't got 50 years to keep beating a dead freaking horse!  I have now, with my family to make it count.  I'm making it count here in my house on my farm in my life.  That's where I can actually make a difference.   Not at church.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said "oh well I'm gonna miss your perspective on things in lessons" or "I just love your comments I'm gonna miss them" I'd have about 20 bucks, but still this shouldn't be the norm.  I shouldn't be an oddity because I speak up, speaking up should be the expectation!  Pushing limits, asking questions, making changes and loving others.  

What I've learned in 42 years in the church?  No one in charge (or at least very few of them) listen to those of us just filling the pews and paying the tithing.   

  Truth BOMBS!