No Regrets?

 The thing I've been thinking about lately is regret.  How do I really feel about my years in the mormon faith?  Do I regret anything?  Do I wish things had been different?

That all depends.  

Let's start with what I don't regret.

I don't regret my years in the church.  I was a little kid when my family joined.  My parents followed the path that they felt was right for their family.  At the time it was right.  It helped a lot with some substance abuse issues that were getting worse (from what I remember in my 5yo brain) and the church gave us a very strong community.  Suddenly we had a purpose.  We had lots of friends, a support system and fun ward activities that helped grow that feeling of belonging.  

My parents were all in.  They stopped drinking and smoking and even drinking coffee.  They paid tithes and held callings and even decided to have more children based on the teachings of the church.  It was literally life altering for them and the whole family.  I was a very obedient child.  If my parents said something I was in 100% and I followed in all the footsteps doing all the church things.  There were times when I saw my mom questioning.  Not questioning the gospel per se but questioning the culture and the policies.  

Let's face it she grew up in the 60's and 70's.  Hippies were a thing in Southern California and feminism was a huge deal.  As much as mom embraced the role of wife and mother she also let her feminist side show often and I always thought that was cool.  For example, why do I have to be with another man when I'm in the church building, why do men have to accompany women on our campouts and retreats, why do men get to be in charge of the budgets etc.  Small things but big things at the same time. 

I don't regret my early years. I don't regret my teenage years either.  I was one of the few young women in our ward that didn't have an unwanted pregnancy, I didn't drink or smoke and I pretty much obeyed my parents so those things made it pretty easy to live life as a teen.  

Early 20's was good too. I got a good job, didn't party, only dated good men and had a ton of fun enjoying the singles community in the church.  Without the church I would never have met my husband and had the children that I have now.  So no regrets there.  

Early mom years...this is where the regrets come in.  I was rigid.  I was so strict with my kids.  I followed the church guidelines about what my girls could and couldn't wear and still be considered modest...LITTLE children had to be dressed modestly, ridiculous.  I monitored what they watch very tightly.  We kept the sabbath day holy, we didn't watch anything on TV that was not what the prophet told us we could watch (ie no rated R or even some PG-13 movies).  My girls couldn't have more than one piercing in their ears (cuz the prophet told us that was wrong).  Books and music were heavily monitored.  They attended all church meetings including early morning seminary through high school. I wish I had been more relaxed, I wish I hadn't pushed so hard for the "perfect" LDS family, I wish I had paid more attention to what they were doing than to what they shouldn't have been doing. I wish I had relaxed. 

I regret baptizing my kids at 8 years old.  That's too young.  They had no idea what they were committing to.  More on all that mess in another post.  I regret forcing seminary on my oldest and girls camp and youth conference.  The messages they heard about purity and modesty and a woman's duty is so frankly wrong.  

I want them to have been comfortable with themselves. For them to have been able to dress they way they wanted and go the places they wanted to go.  I'm not saying that they would have had NO rules but showing your shoulders isn't sin and even having a coffee on the way to school isn't a sin as well.  

I regret the time I spent doing my high demand callings instead of hanging out with my family.  

I completely regret the loads of money I donated to the church for literally nothing.  

I regret the judgment I had for others. 

I regret being young womens president and lecturing those girls instead of just enjoying them and loving them.  Man I was a terrible leader. 

So while I don't regret growing up in the church I do regret the things it taught me were "wrong" and the judgement and rules I placed on my kids and those I served due to those teachings.  I wish I had focused more on Jesus and his love than what the prophets were spewing from the pulpit.  

This weekend is conference.  Instead of watching like 10 hours of garbage go serve someone, go spend time with family, go visit a friend.  There are literally millions of other more worthwhile things that we could do with our time than listen to false rhetoric.