Connection

 For the last year I've been attending a Connections meeting.  Basically to break it down it's a meeting with local people who are just wanting to connect with other adults, talk about religion, family, whatever is going on with us.  It's hosted by my friend who is a Mennonite.  Over the last year there has been a few women attend but the majority of the time it's just my friend and I chatting and catching up and talking about seriously deep things.  When it started back up again in October after a few month break for the summer she started structuring it more and asking a main question and we discuss and answer the question for ourselves.  One week it was "how is your soul?" once it was "does everything happen for a reason?"  This week it was "what would church look like for me if I was in charge?"

My friend knows about my faith transition, she knows the journey I've been on and she is so supportive and not once has asked me to attend her church or suggested I find another church family.  She listens, tells me her experiences and we drink tea and have a nice snack.  I know she doesn't have to do these meetings especially since I'm the only one attending but I truly think we both get a lot out of them.  I consider her a dear friend now.  

So on to the question..What would church look like if I was in charge?  For me this was a pretty easy answer.  Teach love, teach Jesus and use all the donated money to actually help people without judgement.  Accept ALL, don't judge and be open to questions about faith and history and social issues.  

pipe dream I know.

One thing she did ask me while we were chatting last night was how come sometimes I use the pronoun "we" when talking about Mormonism and sometimes I use "they".  I noticed this as well when I was speaking and honestly can't stop myself.  Mormonism was in my life for 42 years and it continues to be in my life.  It's the way I think, it was my friend groups, it was the extracurricular activities my kids and I attended.  I chatted with chris about this last night and I don't think I'll ever consider myself not a mormon...although I should never say never. We figured that about 95% of my daily interactions was with only LDS people.  I only watched things on TV that would be considered appropriate for an LDS person to watch no TV Mature and definitely no rated R movies.  I wore what would cover up my garments (LDS underwear) NO EXCEPTIONS.  I ate and drank what they considered appropriate, no coffee, tea, alcohol, smoking, drugs etc.  I attended church every Sunday and until a couple years ago that was a minimum 3 hour commitment every Sunday, and once we moved to the farm it was longer because my drive to the ward building was 40 minutes one way. My kids attended 2 hours of youth activities each week and for several years I was in charge of those activities so I was there too.  I planned monthly relief society meetings and worked for HOURS every month getting those ready so the sisters could enjoy a nice night every time.  I participated in baby sitting co-ops with other members and dedicated hours a month to those. When we had friends over for dinner or holidays it was almost always other families from our ward.  We hosted Easter and Thanksgiving parties with 99% of the attendees LDS.  I played volleyball at the ward building for a few years every week.  I attended the temple when I could.  We vacationed in Nauvoo Illinois A LOT.  We prayed before every meal and every night as a family.  

So when it comes to the "we..they"...I can't differentiate a lot of my life from the church.  I'm hoping that gets better over time.  

Another thing about the Connections meeting is every time I tell my friend of an LDS belief there is utter shock on her face.  God is a MAN who is white and old...utter shock.  Joseph Smith saw him in a vision...utter shock.  The Prophet makes all the decisions...utter shock.  There are 15 men in line for prophet and no women EVER...utter shock.  The Book of Mormon claims to be the history of the Native Americans...UTTER SHOCK.  Women cannot be ordained...utter shock.  I could go on.  

The thing is when I saw all this out loud to her I'm completely embarrassed.  Embarrassed that I believed this for so long, embarrassed that this is what the church actually believes.  

One thing though is I'm not embarrassed that I am getting out.  I'm not embarrassed that I have broken the cycle and that my family will not be subject to such harmful rhetoric.  

We broke the cycle.