Hollow Substitute

 Well...I'm over here minding my own business.  I don't post much about the church on my preferred form of social media, Facebook, and I don't come at my true believing friends with the facts that I have found out about the church unless they ask.  I don't post "anti" stuff on my page and I don't send unsolicited random texts or instant messages to anyone with CES letters attached or other articles/tv shows etc that prove the church false.  I do post things about treating LGBTQ people with dignity and respect and basically treating them like the HUMANS that they are.  I'm completely 100% an ally and behind them every step of the way no matter where their journey takes them and I'm vocal about that.  

So why do people seem to think it's ok to send me church stuff?  Is it the idea that we are taught in the church to always be missionaries?  Is it the idea that we are lost and need them to come find us like the ONE that strayed away from the 100?  Oh, I know why...it's because they can't fathom the possibility that we are happy outside the church.  

Today I was sent an article from Russel Nelson the current prophet of the LDS church.  I think the article is from the last conference, I'm unsure because it's not coming up with a date on my LDS app, and yes I still have the apps on my phone.  It's entitled Overcome the World and Find Rest.  Overcome the world.  hmmm.  So me becoming more empathetic and loving to those around me including my LGBTQ brothers and sisters isn't what God wants?  Me living a life I can be proud of isn't what God wants?  Loving my family and children more than anything in the world isn't what God wants?  Learning the difference between following God and following a false church isn't what God wants? Striving each day to make my sphere of influence just a little better isn't what God wants?

Oh, I know he wants me to love LGBTQ people but not be ok with them finding romantic love, or get married or have full access to all the churches temples and callings.  He wants me to love my family but only if they are following the church and all it's rules too.  He wants me to learn about him but only in the way the church teaches is appropriate and never through my own understanding or experiences in feeling Him in other places.  He wants me to only influence those around me in ways that magnify his CHURCH...got it.  

Hollow substitute is a phrase used in this particular talk by Mr. Nelson to describe the happiness that those who leave the church are experiencing.  This is a tactic used by leaders in the church to rationalize why the leavers leave, to scare members into staying.  You can't be REALLY happy outside the church.  You just THINK you're happy, but you're not.  

ummm, excuse me sir, I think individuals get to decide if they are truly happy and what that looks like and feels like to them.  Was I happy in the church, yep.  Until I wasn't.  Certainty works until it doesn't.  It got me to where I am today and now it's time for me to move away and find happiness on my own.  It will look different for everyone.  However in the church happiness looks the same for everyone.  Cis/Het couples married in the temple.  As many kids as you can possibly fit in a family.  Mom stays at home and dad works.  Everyone goes on missions, gets their eagle scout, attends the temple, pays tithing, works countless hours volunteering for dozens of callings.  For me happiness looks like this: being out in nature, creating a business to help support my family, large family dinners, serving in my community, helping people monetarily as much as I can, supporting the LGBTQ community, working on our home, raising goats, learning new skills, mowing the lawn.  Ok that last one was silly but it brings me so much joy!  

So hollow substitute?  Excuse me while I strongly disagree.  I have lots of non-member friends and they are so amazing and they are happy!  

So hollow substitute?  I don't think so.  What is hollow is the promises made over these pulpits that bring shame and heartbreak to lots of people every day.  

Connection

 For the last year I've been attending a Connections meeting.  Basically to break it down it's a meeting with local people who are just wanting to connect with other adults, talk about religion, family, whatever is going on with us.  It's hosted by my friend who is a Mennonite.  Over the last year there has been a few women attend but the majority of the time it's just my friend and I chatting and catching up and talking about seriously deep things.  When it started back up again in October after a few month break for the summer she started structuring it more and asking a main question and we discuss and answer the question for ourselves.  One week it was "how is your soul?" once it was "does everything happen for a reason?"  This week it was "what would church look like for me if I was in charge?"

My friend knows about my faith transition, she knows the journey I've been on and she is so supportive and not once has asked me to attend her church or suggested I find another church family.  She listens, tells me her experiences and we drink tea and have a nice snack.  I know she doesn't have to do these meetings especially since I'm the only one attending but I truly think we both get a lot out of them.  I consider her a dear friend now.  

So on to the question..What would church look like if I was in charge?  For me this was a pretty easy answer.  Teach love, teach Jesus and use all the donated money to actually help people without judgement.  Accept ALL, don't judge and be open to questions about faith and history and social issues.  

pipe dream I know.

One thing she did ask me while we were chatting last night was how come sometimes I use the pronoun "we" when talking about Mormonism and sometimes I use "they".  I noticed this as well when I was speaking and honestly can't stop myself.  Mormonism was in my life for 42 years and it continues to be in my life.  It's the way I think, it was my friend groups, it was the extracurricular activities my kids and I attended.  I chatted with chris about this last night and I don't think I'll ever consider myself not a mormon...although I should never say never. We figured that about 95% of my daily interactions was with only LDS people.  I only watched things on TV that would be considered appropriate for an LDS person to watch no TV Mature and definitely no rated R movies.  I wore what would cover up my garments (LDS underwear) NO EXCEPTIONS.  I ate and drank what they considered appropriate, no coffee, tea, alcohol, smoking, drugs etc.  I attended church every Sunday and until a couple years ago that was a minimum 3 hour commitment every Sunday, and once we moved to the farm it was longer because my drive to the ward building was 40 minutes one way. My kids attended 2 hours of youth activities each week and for several years I was in charge of those activities so I was there too.  I planned monthly relief society meetings and worked for HOURS every month getting those ready so the sisters could enjoy a nice night every time.  I participated in baby sitting co-ops with other members and dedicated hours a month to those. When we had friends over for dinner or holidays it was almost always other families from our ward.  We hosted Easter and Thanksgiving parties with 99% of the attendees LDS.  I played volleyball at the ward building for a few years every week.  I attended the temple when I could.  We vacationed in Nauvoo Illinois A LOT.  We prayed before every meal and every night as a family.  

So when it comes to the "we..they"...I can't differentiate a lot of my life from the church.  I'm hoping that gets better over time.  

Another thing about the Connections meeting is every time I tell my friend of an LDS belief there is utter shock on her face.  God is a MAN who is white and old...utter shock.  Joseph Smith saw him in a vision...utter shock.  The Prophet makes all the decisions...utter shock.  There are 15 men in line for prophet and no women EVER...utter shock.  The Book of Mormon claims to be the history of the Native Americans...UTTER SHOCK.  Women cannot be ordained...utter shock.  I could go on.  

The thing is when I saw all this out loud to her I'm completely embarrassed.  Embarrassed that I believed this for so long, embarrassed that this is what the church actually believes.  

One thing though is I'm not embarrassed that I am getting out.  I'm not embarrassed that I have broken the cycle and that my family will not be subject to such harmful rhetoric.  

We broke the cycle.  

Age of accountability

 I understand that for anyone not in the mormon faith I'm spouting off a lot of lingo that maybe not everyone understands and I'm sorry for that.  Maybe a lot of Googling is in your future, maybe I'll try and be more explanative in my writing.

In the faith it is expected that we have our children baptized at 8 years old.  It's referred to as the age of accountability.  So before 8 you've committed so many sins accidentally that you need to have them washed away via baptism and after 8 you're basically able to sin all the time knowingly.  Makes perfect sense...insert eyeroll again...

We also say a lot that our 8 year old children are CHOOSING to be baptized.  Ummm...no...just no!  My kids did not choose to be baptized.  There was so much pressure on me as a parent to have my kids baptized you can sure as heck count on the fact that I transferred that pressure to my 8 year old kids.  As soon as January 1st comes the year you are turning 8 the hype starts in our childrens organization, Primary.  There are parties (Great to be 8!!), lessons on Sundays, songs sung in primary, and don't forget the constant talk about it at home, all, year, long.  We buy special outfits for baptism day, maybe they get a new special towel to use when they leave the baptismal font, there are family gatherings and food and often times gifts.  No pressure (insert sarcasm) All your family is there and so excited about this big day it's no wonder kids "choose" to be baptized.  My older children have expressed to me that they didn't want to get baptized at 8 but they felt that even though I was calling it a choice they felt it really wasn't and to not be baptized they would be letting us down or even get into trouble.  I can honestly say that I don't know what I would have done if one of my kids had expressed that they didn't want to commit to the church at that age, odds are I would have doubled down on the indoctrination and maybe even forced them to be baptized.  As much as I don't like to admit that I was also indoctrinated  and thought I was doing the right thing.  

Not until my now 11 year old was turning 8 did I even take a pause and consider this whole thing to be ludicrous.  How can an 8 year old child be expected to make such a big and eternal commitment?  Sadly my pause still didn't stop me from having him baptized just before his 9th birthday.  Something I still regret. 

Now my youngest is turning 8 tomorrow and he will not be subjected to this ritual.  If he decides when he is older to join any religion it will be his own choice as a consenting adult with a full functioning brain!  

The church also teaches that those that are baptized and have made covenants with God are under greater responsibility to keep those covenants.  So 8 year olds are under more scrutiny from God because of their commitment to Him.  8 YEAR OLDS.  LDS doctrine also teaches that each male is required to serve a 2 year mission for the church when they are 18.  A mission that they pay for themselves and is very expensive.  They recently came out and said that you are required to serve (males only are required to serve) because you made the commitment when you were baptized, WHEN YOU WERE 8!!!!!!!!  I can't even commit to what I'm having for lunch today let alone commit to something 10 years into the future.  

As I'm typing this I'm cringing at the audacity of the mormon church to put that much pressure on families and tiny children.  

In order to join the church you literally just have to be 8, that is all.  In order to get out of the church you have to fill out forms and have them notarized and submit in writing and wait weeks for a response.  Seems totally fair.  Easy in hard to get out.  Sound like any other organization you've heard of Nexium, Jonestown, Branch Davidians, FLDS, Manson Family, Heavens Gate See where I'm going with this? Insert wide eye emoji and holy shit emoji! 

I really shouldn't fret about it too much since I honestly think the whole thing is made up and not true anyway.  Just now if we want to get out completely it's going to take some  money and a lot of time and research on my part.  Mormonism had it's hold on me for 42 years and I have a feeling it's going to take a lot more than a few months to shake it off.  

lay clergy

 I know I've stated before that the whole journey for me started off with tithing and the way it's spent and the fact that I need to pay to essentially get into the temple which essentially gets me into the highest degree of mormon heaven.  Seriously I don't understand how it took me years and literally decades to make that connection...actually I totally understand...it's because we are taught the lie that our tithing money goes to helping the needy and building temples and ward buildings.  We are also taught that our clergy doesn't get paid.  At all.  Like I was taught that even the prophet doesn't get paid.  For 42 years I thought the prophet and the general authorities were not paid.  

It was a lie.

I recently learned that they do get paid.  They get paid a hefty sum of over $140,000 a year.  

Now to some nowadays that may not seem like a lot of money.  Their incomes in their regular jobs would likely be well above that amount.  Their apostleship requires them to spend a lot of time and energy putting legit work ours into running a world wide church.  So I get giving them a living stipend.  I get they need a few bucks to live off of.  

However...

They are all retired men who have had illustrious careers in other fields.  Now I'm totally speculating at this point but I assume they followed the teachings of the church when it comes to finances, avoid debt, live within your means, save for a rainy day/retirement.  I assume they most likely have retirement funds that they saved in their real lives for this time in their lives.  I get that dedicating your life to church service is a hard thing and to expect them to do it without monetary compensation would be crazy.  What I don't get is why tell us they don't get paid when they do...it's the lie that bit me in the butt.  It's the fact that while they were getting paid WAY over the average household income in America we were struggling to make ends meet, like a lot of other families, and couldn't afford food.  What gets me is that they are also not responsible for their housing, their transportation and a lot of other expenses that normal people have.  So that $100,000 + gets put in the bank and builds wealth that isn't necessary.  I was required to pay tithing that went to pay them to get richer...tell me it's not a cult.  

Leaders on local levels do not get paid bishops, stake presidents and their presidencies spend their own time and sometimes money volunteering their service to the church.  Sometimes this is a huge time commitment.  When Chris and I were first married we lived in a small branch and Chris was called to be in the elders quorum presidency and he was the ward mission leader.  Every night of the week except one was spent  working for the church for free.  He spent countless hours away from home serving others, attending meetings and working with the missionaries.  We had 3 little kids at home at the time and I worked part time so we rarely saw each other during this time.  It was terrible.  Once we moved to the Midwest Chris was called to the stake high council.  He was required to attend meetings 45 minutes away from our home, travel long distances on Sundays to speak at different ward sacrament meetings.  We were sooooo poor!  We couldn't afford for me to leave the house very often because gas was so expensive so I spent most of my time at home.  We didn't go out, we rarely had a date night all because we needed to save our money for the times he traveled.  Some nights when he had meetings he wouldn't get home until almost midnight and then have to work the next morning.  NO ONE took into consideration the time these men were spending and the toll it took on their families.  I was actually told by a member of our stake presidency in California that it was my job to give my husband a kiss and happily send him out to do his calling and keep things happy at home.  

It was bullshit.

I was working, Chris was working full time and yet we were both expected to give so much extra, we will never get that time with our kids back.  For a church that stresses FAMILY first they are sure eager to take you away from your family for their gain. They are sure eager to remind you that if you don't do exactly what they say all the time you'll be separated from your family for eternity.

So lay clergy only applies locally.  It doesn't apply to the guys at the "top".  They get everything they need while the rest of us struggle. 

It's the Mothers

 When I think about me leaving the church I think a lot about the number of people I'm taking with me.  So far it's 8.  That's 8 less people paying tithing, 8 less people fulfilling callings etc.  I know in the grand scheme of the size of the church 8 people isn't a big deal.  When you think of it in a ward setting in the Midwest where the ward numbers aren't that large 8 is kind of a big deal.  I took 5 priesthood/potential priesthood holders with me and 3 women...who lets face it unless they have a baseball team worth of kids they don't count for much in the church.  Dig a little deeper and you realize that with just my 6 kids alone the potential for future church generations is kinda huge.  I took potentially dozens or even hundreds of people out of the church.  

Thank goodness!

The buck stops here.

I'm an admin on an LDS LGBTQ facebook group and the majority of our members are women.  Mothers who have LGBTQ children who are trying to navigate their families reality with their membership in the church.

I think the moms are going to be what takes the church down eventually.  The moms with queer children, the moms with neurodiverse kids, the moms whose children leave the church and they love them anyway, the moms who are tired of perpetuating a patriarchal system that hurts their daughters.

The moms are going to take the church down.  And by down I don't mean "burn it to the ground" I mean who are going to leave quietly because they just can't anymore until eventually something changes or they have drastic drops in membership.

The buck stops here for us.  I'm taking them all with me!

I'd love to see the statistics of how many members the women take with them when they leave. 

HOW?

 So I did "announce" my leaving on Facebook a few weeks ago.  My Facebook page seems more like a journal than anything and I've always been pretty transparent on there.  Most people would tell you on Social Media you don't get the true person, it's always through a filter of perfection, well I'd beg to differ about my page.  You get it all!  There is no perfection in my life and honestly my filter for things is pretty gone so with me you get it all! 

Pretty much all the comments I got on my "out" post were very positive.  Mostly love and understanding a few people standing in solidarity.  It was quite lovely.  There was one comment that struck funny though.  It was from someone that I haven't seen in almost 30 years.  She knew me in high school, I was friends with her daughter and she was my young women's president.  So for all intents and purposes back 30 years ago she knew me pretty well.  

This comment started out with "I could see it coming"...the rest of the comment was sweet about stepping back may give me perspective etc...but that "I could see it coming".  How the fuck could someone I haven't seen for 30 years and who has only connected with me on FB a few years ago "see it coming" when I DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING?  When none of my good close friends could see it coming?  When my kids and family didn't see it coming?  

What about my church going, relief society teaching, temple attending, tithe paying, garment wearing, praying daily, Jesus worshiping posts and life made it seem like "it was coming"?  

Was it the word fuck?  Because I know that word has become a favorite recently.  Was it the fact that I don't attend church during goat season because I literally have to work 7 days a week for 4 months?  Was it my posts about loving chickens or goats and my farm?  Was it my posts about learning to can or make homemade soap and cheese?  I know, it was the posts of my grandkids and spending time with them!

Maybe it was my posts about loving my LGBTQ children.  It may have been my post donating my money to Mama Dragons.  It could have been my posts about not voting for Trump, or my posts about women having control over what happens in their bodies.  For sure it was my post about attending a Mormon Feminist retreat in April and loving every minute of it.  

That's what it probably was.  Me loving people, and making sure everyone has rights. 

Nothing a true believing Mormon loves more than to tell people what to do with their own bodies, how to vote, and who to love.  I feel like I can make statements like these because I was that TBM (true believing mormon) who made those kinds of judgement calls.  I was so wrong and blinded.

So if anyone "saw it coming" good for you!  

Conference

 This last weekend was general conference.  Conference happens twice a year, once in the spring and once in the fall.  Basically the big wigs in our church get up in front of the world and televise their talks, thoughts, doctrine whatever they feel is relevant to the church population in general.  There are dozens of speakers over 2 days and about 12ish ours of speakers.  

Let me just first point out that over those dozens of speakers only 3 (I think) this conference session were women and just a handful are people of color.  This year there was actually an African American woman who spoke in conference. This is a HUGE first!  Now kudos to the church for including her in their speaking lineup, they are REALLY into pointing her out at this point.  I think they want to show people how progressive they are...The church has been around for almost 200 years and now is the first time a black woman has been asked to speak...umm...good for you?  But I digress.

I made a post on my facebook page regarding conference, here's what it said:

"It’s General Conference weekend for all my Mormon friends.

It can be a really hard and stress filled weekend for those that don’t fit the “mold” lgbtq, single, divorced etc.

I’m here. I’m good to vent to. It’s ok to not watch. It’s ok to not agree with things that are said. It’s ok to step back. It’s ok to get out."

No bashing, no saying that I now think it's a load of poo. Nothing like that. Frankly conference can be so hard for some people. They teach and preach inclusion and love over the pulpit (not always sometimes it's blatant racism, sexism, homophobia choose your poison) all the while not including a lot of these people in their doctrine and covenant making. For example: To be a member in good standing and be LGBTQ you must remain single and celibate. In order to receive all the blessings of eternal life you must be married to a person of the opposite sex. If you are a woman you cannot hold the priesthood or be a leader of men because you do not hold the priesthood, you can lead other women and children. If you are a person of color you just got the blessings of the temple and priesthood in the 1970's, before that the color of your skin prevented you from having these privileges. So you see why some people may have a hard time with some things said at conference?

I 100% want to be a safe place for anyone who needs to rant/vent/chat about the teachings of the church always! This was my way of putting it out there and not making a stink. Cuz, trust me I wanna make a stink. I wanna shout what I have learned from the roof tops but I also respect my LDS friends enough to know they are happy where they are and that's ok too. I put this blog out there and they can choose to read or not.

I totally know if I have the "right" bishop and stake president (leadership roulette is a thing) I could be excommunicated just for my facebook post and this blog. I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon but I have read about and heard of others being "X'd" for a lot less.

Anyhoo someone on my post decided to link to a conference talk...Ummm...I'm not about that anymore and someone else decided to point out to me that I don't have to "eat the whole elephant at once"...whatever that means. I'm not really sure.

Just like anything I say isn't going to sway those true believing mormons to not believe, anything they say isn't going to bring me back to the church. If anything ever brings me back it would literally take a vision of, I don't know God and Jesus coming to me and telling me that I need to go back to the LDS church. So not likely happening any time soon. I also know to never say never because I did say I'd never leave and here I am.

Thing that would need to change for me even to consider coming back:

LGBTQ people having all the rights and privileges that every one else has. Ability for them to enter the temple and be sealed to whomever they want (consenting adults only please). I want them to be able to hold callings and have priesthood and be welcomed into the church just as they are.

Women getting the priesthood. I'm not saying all women want the priesthood but those that do should have the option of having it and being able to hold any calling a man can hold. PERIOD

Stop baptizing little children and forcing them into an "agreement" they don't have any clue what it means!

If a bishop or any leader finds out about abuse happening to anyone the police instantly get called 100% of the time ZERO concern for their own legal liabilities.

Don't tell me what to watch, wear, read, listen to, write, question EVER...

The list could continue but let's start here. Yes, I know a lot of these won't happen at least for 50 more years, if ever. So here I sit. Wishing for change, knowing it won't happen and frustrated that no matter how I feel about the church and no matter how much I put out there that I'm done with it there will still be people in my life that are gonna try and "reactivate" me.

It's not gonna happen.