So many feelings

 So when I said my next stop was emailing the Bishop that may have been postponed for a few days.  

I set out to do just that...message the Bishop, ask to be released, tell him I'm stepping away from church, seems pretty straight forward.  Except it wasn't as straight forward as I was thinking it was going to be!  I didn't expect so many feelings to creep up on me.  I think sometimes I think I'm pretty stoic and unfeeling, at least that's what my mother-in-law tells me...but that's a story for another blog post, however I'm pretty dang emotional when it comes down to it.  Sending that email was hard, I had to stop and take a beat, the beat lasted several days.  Then Sunday I finally got the courage to send it out.  Simple, too the point and direct.  No fluff, no explanations, just release me and I'm not coming back.  It took a day for a response.  Our Bishop is a good guy, I really like him and his family and I didn't expect any drama, and there wasn't.  He just asked if I had been offended or if something had happened at church, which are typical responses, but of course I haven't been offended and nothing "happened at church" (unless you count the sexism, homophobia, racism, etc etc of the whole entity but I digress).  So far I have not received any response back from that and that's totally fine with me.  I also texted my friend who is the Relief Society president to let her know what was happening, I didn't want her left in a lurch when I just suddenly stopped doing my calling.  

I think the biggest worry I have is not having any community.  What really tipped the scales for me was last week a group I have been attending for about a year start back up for the fall.  It's a Connection group (that's what they call it) ran by a Mennonite minister who is a friend of mine from our small town.  That same night I also had a committee meeting for Relief Society.  I had to decide what would benefit me more, attending a Relief Society meeting or attending Connections. Now Connections is sometimes just my friend and I, sometimes it's a couple other women from our community, but every time I get SO much out of it.  We talk about God and our families and spiritual things and questions we may have.  I would LOVE to be able to speak openly in Relief Society like I do in Connections but I know I'll be judged and I know the outcome of speaking your mind at church.  So I decided that Connections was the best way to spend my evening and it showed me where my priorities needed to be.

So I'm hoping I can find community somewhere other than church.  We live in a very conservative community out here in the middle of nowhere Illinois so that makes it hard too.  I am not conservative and find that those friendship lines cannot be crossed with much success anymore.  

Still figuring out this ex/non Mormon lifestyle is weird and exciting and eye opening.